


yeah, no

by ilovemygaydad



Category: Sander Sides, Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-20 20:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19383871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovemygaydad/pseuds/ilovemygaydad
Summary: (spoilers for the newest sanders sides episode))summary: (this is a total crack fic) the aftermath of a certain courtroom debate leaves deceit tired, but one of the other dark sides is very insistent on harassing him.warnings: deceit, remus, insults, caps, shouting, teasing, swearing, implied sexual attraction, possibly something elseinspired bythis





	1. Chapter 1

Deceit shut the door into the darker side of the Mindscape with a long, heavy sigh. He was  _exhausted_ after the debate with Virgil and the others. It cost him so much energy to speak the truth; he first had to think the truth, then translate that into a lie in his mind, and then speak that lie so that it came out as the truth. And it didn’t even  _work_  sometimes, which was just his energy floating away into the wind like a god damn leaf.

 _Forty minutes_  of compliments and trying to scratch his way into the minds of his opponents for  _nothing_. All of his efforts to  ~~flirt with~~  butter Roman up? Worthless. His goal was so  _reasonable_ , yet Roman’s  ~~kind and chivalrous personality~~  idiotic penchant for being a noble prince threw a wrench in his perfect plans!

So maybe Deceit wanted to  ~~go crawl in a hole and cry~~  sleep after a long day of working to protect Thomas.  _Sue him_. He was just glad that Virgil was out of this side of the Mindscape, or the damn worrier would’ve been grilling him for details. Not to mention that Remus was probably off on his own--

“ _ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK MY BROTHER?!”_

Or not.

“I  _am,_ ” Deceit said plainly, walking around Remus. “Or maybe I’m  _not_.  _Don’t_  decide for yourself. Whichever  _doesn’t_  help you sleep at night.” He shut and locked his bedroom door behind him.

“You--WHICH ONE IS IT?!” Nothing. “DECEIT! ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK MY BROTHER?!” Silence.

Deceit sat gingerly on the edge of his bed. He wouldn’t give Remus the satisfaction of an answer, for he was very certain that Creativity’s twin wouldn’t like the answer.

* * *

Virgil, being a past Dark Side and a current resident of the light part of the Mindscape, was in both the “Light Sides uwu” Discord and the “Evil Bitches” Discord. As the only one who had been on both sides, he figured that it was his duty to stay in the Dark Sides chat to make sure that nothing hinky was going on, and to make his job infinitely easier on himself. Usually, it worked fairly well. Deceit and Remus, who were the only ones who actually used the chat, had tendencies to send random evil ideas over the chat, which Virgil could then intercept and use to keep his former roommates at bay.

That didn’t mean that other things didn’t make their way into the chat, though, and he was stuck watching the weirdest conversations unfold.

> **Stinky Trash Bastard** Today at 11:37 PM
> 
> @Deceit ARE YOU TRYING TO FUCK MY BROTHER?!

> **Deceit**  Today at 11:40 PM
> 
> yeah no

> **Stinky Trash Bastard**  Today at 11:40 PM
> 
> _YES OR NO_

> **Deceit** Today at 11:45 PM
> 
> maybe
> 
> maybe not

> **Racoon Man**  Today at 11:46 PM
> 
> @Deceit well are you

_THUNK!_

Virgil snickered as he heard Deceit’s phone hit their conjoined wall and clatter to the ground. The poor snake had always been so easy to read if the cards were played correctly. 

Glass houses, Deceit. Glass houses.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> summary: (again, a totally cursed crack fic) as deceit’s things start to go missing, he must venture into the light side to retrieve them. unfortunately, a former acquaintance is finding it the perfect opportunity to make him uncomfortable
> 
> warnings: spoilers for dwit, deceit, remus (once), ambiguously sympathetic deceit (it could go either way tbh), lots of sexual innuendos, suggestive language, swearing, frustration, yelling, anger, teasing, intentionally making someone uncomfortable, virgil is a major asshole, caps, implied sexual attraction, embarrassment, and possibly something else

Deceit didn’t entirely remember why he had needed to venture into the lighter side of the Mindscape in the first place. It had been something to do with Virgil, that much was sure. Probably retrieving something that had been taken to the Light Side without permission that Deceit had tasked himself to retrieve. He couldn’t remember.

He did remember that he had entered the Light Side and immediately went to the nearest door to find good old Anxiety, only to find the room devoid of the side. Naturally, Deceit had gone further in, hoping to catch Virgil to complete his task. As he walked down the long hallway to the stairs, he checked the game room and the memory vault in case Virgil, for some unknown reason, had decided to skulk around like the emo disaster that he was.

Still nothing.

Deceit had sighed. He loathed having to go into the Light Sides’ common room. They were all, quite frankly, very rude to his person, and Roman was always there being his usual,  ~~pretty~~  annoying self. However, he had a goal that needed to be fulfilled, so he trudged down the stairs with only a bit of a pout.

And the second that Deceit stepped into the commons, he knew that he was absolutely, royally  _fucked_.

Because of  _course_  Roman chose this day of all days to drape himself on the couch like a god damned living painting. Sure, Creativity was in his normal outfit, but that didn’t make Deceit’s mind go any less haywire. For the briefest moment, Deceit’s mind flashed with all of the other,  _much better_  places that he’d like to see Roman in that position, but he put a harsh clamp over them faster than he could say his own name. He’d been assaulted by Remus enough for merely  ~~flirting with Roman in the courtroom~~  doing his  _job_ ; there was exactly zero way in hell that his ass wouldn’t get kicked if any of his stray thoughts ended up in Remus’ hands.

Not to mention that in the corner of the room, staring right at him was Virgil  _freaking_  Sanders with the same shit-eating grin that Deceit used to love seeing. The sickeningly sweet smile that foretold mischief.

Yeah.

Deceit was  _fucked,_  and he wouldn’t even have finished whatever the hell it was that he’d come to the Light Side to do!

“I  _don’t_  need something from you, Virgil,” he said regardless of his forgetting. There needed to be a reason for him to come here, or the others would get suspicious. Lying was what he did best, after all.

“No, of course not,” Virgil said. “You need  _it_  from someone else.” His eyes flicked subtly to Roman, who wasn’t paying any attention to the conversation, and back.

Deceit flushed. “That  _is_  what I meant.”

“No? I suppose it wouldn’t have been a  _need_  so much as a  _want_ , right?” He smirked; darkness glinted in his eyes with every word. “My mistake.”

“Oooh!” Roman said suddenly, looking up at the two. “Virgil messed up?”

“Wha—Do you only ever listen to make fun of me, Princey?” Virgil’s smirk turned into a scowl.

“I was merely surprised that you admitted to a wrongdoing. That’s a rare feat.”

“Dude, what _ever_.” Virgil stood up and walked to the stairs. “I’m gonna do some activities to work out my newfound frustration.” Then, just as he passed by Deceit, he winked and whispered innocently, “Maybe you should, too.”

“I will never understand him,” Roman sighed as he watched Virgil climb the stairs. “I do hope that he paints today, though. His pieces are always more interesting when he’s worked up.”

“Yeah,” Deceit laughed weakly. Without another word, he turned and left.

* * *

Life had a really fucking funny way of messing with Deceit. Hilarious, one might say.

To him, it was genuinely devastating.

Not three days after his little  _incident_  with Virgil, he was forced to go back to the Light Side because  _another_  one of his things went missing, and the first still hadn’t been returned. Undoubtedly, Virgil was making some attempt at payback for the courtroom by stealing his precious belongings (you didn’t just steal a guy’s heated blanket--that was  _cruel_ ). Deceit just wished that he’d get his fill of revenge in a more tasteful way like salt in the sugar bag or bugs in his pasta.

Once again, Virgil wasn’t in his new room, and Deceit was forced to go to the commons. Where, once again and just to his luck, he was greeted by Virgil and Roman. Creativity was sitting on the floor, flipping through a book of jungle animals, and Virgil was next to him, pointing at the ones that looked cool. 

Deceit was unsure if either had noticed his presence until Virgil placed his hand on a page with a yellow and black snake. “What do you think about snakes, Ro?”

“Oh! I think they’re rather magnificent creatures! A truly misunderstood and beautiful animal indeed.”

“Uh huh. Y’ever touched one?”

Roman squinted his eyes, obviously trying to scan his memory for a time that he might have. His eyes seemed to have finally noticed Deceit, and he sent a small wave over before replying, “No, I don’t believe that I have.”

Deceit moved to the kitchen. He didn’t want Roman to think that he was staring or being weird.

Virgil looked over his shoulder at Deceit with a smug expression. “Do you want to touch one?”

Deceit had never been so close to dropping dead on the spot.

“I mean, why not?” Roman said, starting to flip pages again. “Their scales look so  _smooth_ , and I’m sure that they’re lovely to hold. Oh, and they do that little blep thing, which is just terribly  _adorable_.”

“I’m sure that snakes would think that you were adorable, too.” The smile on Virgil’s face held a saccharine sweetness as he mouthed ‘ _Don’t you?’_  at Deceit.

Roman cooed, and the anxious side turned his head at the exact  _second_  that Roman glanced back over at him. “Aw, Virgil! That’s so sweet of you to say.”

“It’s no big deal,” he muttered, feigning embarrassment.

“No, it’s really nice of you to say. Even Deceit would agree, right?” Creativity turned an eager smile to Deceit, who nearly flinched at the sudden attention.

“ _No._ It  _isn’t_  nice,” he managed to choke out.

“See! You’re a nice guy, Virge.” Roman turned back to his book once more.

“Yeah.” Virgil innocently grinned at Deceit. “I guess that I am.”

* * *

The other things, Deceit could cut his losses and live without. He had extra blankets, and he had extra socks, but this? This was just plain  _criminal_. 

What the fuck kind of a guy stole someone else’s snake?!

And it wasn’t just the snake herself! Virgil had taken the entire terrarium, all of Deceit’s supplies, and the entire freezer’s worth of food. If he weren’t so fucking  _pissed_ , Deceit would have been proud of the scheme.

“Virgil,” he growled as he pounded on the anxious side’s door. “ _Don’t_  give her  _back_.”

The door opened, and Deceit almost lost it when he saw Virgil with Daisy on his shoulders, smiling softly. “What’s that?”

Angry venom dripped from Deceit’s words. “ _Don’t._  Give. Her.  _Back_.”

“Oh,” Virgil said. “Yeah, of course.” He snapped his fingers, and all of the snake stuff that had been littered behind him disappeared. 

Deceit was infinitely jealous that the laws of reality didn’t hit as hard in the Light Side as they did in the Dark Side. The only one who could summon things while in the Dark Side was Remus, and no one wanted to ask him for things. It had taken Deceit three weeks of fighting tooth and nail to get Roman to give him Daisy. It had been the worst three weeks of his entire  _life_.

“And the snake?”

Virgil shook his head, softly. “Yeah, sorry. I thought you’d want to take her home with you, so I didn’t snap her with.” He gently lifted Daisy from his shoulders and placed her in a small heap in Deceit’s hands.

Deceit knew that he should be happy. His baby had been returned with little resistance, and he could go back to some normalcy, but at the same time, something was up. Virgil hadn’t been this cordial in... well,  _ever_. 

“Right...” He looked at his wrist as Daisy slowly curled her way into a sentient serpentine bracelet. “Well, I’m gonna--”

“Oh my goodness! Is that the snake I summoned for your room?”

Virgil gasped, but Deceit could see the mischief in his eyes. “ _You_  summoned this cutie? I was just about to ask Deceit where he got her.”

 _No, you weren’t, you lying bastard_.

“I almost forgot about her. How is she? Does she have a name?” Roman’s voice was gleeful, and it just made Deceit want to run away.

“Her name  _isn’t_  Daisy,” he said as he turned to speak to Creativity. “And she’s doing  _terribly_.”

“ _Wow_.” Roman looked completely starstruck. “Wow. I’ve never held a snake before; can I hold yours?”

It was subtle—it could  _barely_  be construed as something even minutely sexual—yet Deceit saw Virgil’s surprised smile at the unknowing bait. With full intentions to rush away, he stuttered, “Oh, um, I don’t know...”

“Hush,” Virgil drawled, pushing just a bit too hard on Deceit’s shoulder to be considered friendly. “Let him hold your  _snake_.”

“She’s just too cute, Deceit! Please?”

Slowly, the side in question nodded and slipped Daisy off of his wrist. With the utmost care, he placed the coil in Roman’s hands. It honestly couldn’t get any worse.

Daisy lazily slithered her way up and around Roman’s arm, raising her tiny head right in front of Roman’s. Her little tongue darted out and touched his nose. Roman let out a tiny giggle.

The moment was swiftly ruined for Deceit by Virgil saying, “You know, I’ve never seen her like that except in Deceit’s hand. She just isn’t that perky on her own.”

“Ha ha,” Deceit said with fake enthusiasm. “Virgil, you are so  _funny_! May I please have Daisy back so that I can go back to my room?”

“Of course,” Roman murmured as the snake was taken back. “She’s beautiful. May I visit her some time?”

Virgil latched his arm around Roman’s shoulders. “I’m sure  _she_  would be  _very happy_  if you did! Right, Deceit?”

“ _No_.”

“Perfect!” Virgil began to lead the prince away. “Goodbye!”

“Bye...”

* * *

“Roman, I need to be honest with you,” Virgil said a few minutes later. They were on the couch watching reruns of Parks and Rec, and Roman was still being very happy about his new snake friend.

“What about?”

“Well...” Virgil didn’t exactly know how to break the news. “The last few times that we’ve hung out, I was using you—“

“What—“

“Just to get back at Deceit! It was just so I could make him uncomfortable, okay?”

Roman’s eyebrows furrowed. “Make him uncomfortable  _how_?”

“He has this massive crush on you, and I found out about it right after the courtroom thing, so I’ve been using you and your pretty, unaware face to form, uh... innuendos? I was stealing some of his stuff so he’d come to our side of the Mindscape, and I made sure to be with you.” Virgil laughed awkwardly, hoping Roman wouldn’t hate him forever for his evil scheme.

“You... you’re kidding, right?  _Deceit_  is thirsty for  _me_? I mean, I know that I’m a snack and a half, but  _him_?”

“Yeah.”

Roman looked at Virgil with a disbelieving expression. “And you used me to get into his head?”

“Mhmm. A couple of well timed questions here, your idiocy sprinkled in every so often... Poor guy was outie in less than five minutes.” Virgil smirked, resting his head on the back of the couch. “Thanks, by the way.”

“Man,” Roman laughed. “I can’t believe we vanquished Deceit so quickly, and all it took was him having a simple crush on me!”

“SO HE DOES WANT TO FUCK YOU?!” Remus screeched from his new perch on top of the kitchen table.

The two sides on the couch screamed. Well, nothing was truly a perfect solution...


End file.
